I don’t want to answer to your letter because I don’t want to make it even harder for you, this way I can write what I think and you can chose to read or not to read, as you think is best for you. I want you to know that whatever you might think the reasons for everything, it’s not true. I can’t tell exactly WHY I feel this way, it just stopped, kind of. I think it all started at the wedding. Us only arguing all the time about the songs, the workload, the interpretation, we forgot that there was an „us“ too. Or there should have been. I felt like the story was not about us together anymore… It was about your life and my life and the path they had in common for some time. That’s how I felt, I know it was different to you. Perhaps we should have talked more about how we see the future. Probably. Because I always loved you as a friend but I knew we would never get to live together or even marry.
Well after the marriage it went better for some time. But as mostly it didn’t last for long. I know you loved me but still I always had the feeling I’m not that important to you. Or you don’t want me to be that important. Every time I wanted to plan you said: let us decide spontaneously. Long before anything went wrong or I started to become „strange“ in your presence I started to feel a distance between us. This all went on for months and I often thought about talking to you, but in that case I am more like a man. As long as it’s only some creepy feeling I don’t talk. I act. And wait for someone else to start talking. It’s surely not the right way and I might apologize for that, but that’s not what helps you. I only want to make you understand that you never had to be afraid of others.
After the wedding there was our vacation we wanted to plan, which didn’t work at all as we had so different ideas of our ideal vacation we couldn’t find something we both liked. You don’t need to apologize for that, it’s no fault but it just doesn’t work. So after always being disappointed every time it didn’t work out I started just to accept it. To accept that our views and dreams were so different. I didn’t mean to make it end that way, I only meant to create a distance that’s good for us and that makes it work. Apparently it was not one of my best ideas. Because as the distance grew and I started just making appointments with friends and not always waiting to the last moment because „he still might call and want to meet me“ I started loving my independence. And at first it worked, I was less stressed and we spent a better time. But then I wanted more time with friends and to myself, and I felt stressed by feeling responsible to meet you and spend time with you even though we saw each other less and less.
And that was when I realized that I, from my point of view, didn’t need you. I didn’t need your love and nor had I any love besides friendship to give. I didn’t mind sleeping in one bed with you as long as you didn’t try to touch me. I didn’t mind you kissing me as long as it was on the cheeks. But I knew that was not what you wanted so I didn’t know what to do and finally talked to you. But I still didn’t know what I wanted that’s why I was all sobbing and accepted your ten day idea. I was fighting inside. I didn’t know whether it was right to destroy anything or whether it would be right to keep something up that so obviously doesn’t work for me. It would have worked some weeks and then it would have all started over again. After you left I was as down as I haven’t been for years I think. So at first I was home and thought I would burst. But then I had another life to go to: work. And the friends I got there. And after working I felt better. Meeting friends, working, everything stayed as it was, no world collapsing around me, only when I was alone I felt anxious. but you know why? Because I was concerned about you and because I needed someone to wrap his arms around me and soothe me. But not because I missed you as my love. And at that point I realized that it just would not be fair to you if I let this go on. I wasn’t cold when we talked to each other the second time. I still feel very warm about you. I only was decided. Because I delt with breaking up with you before we really broke up. I had my sorrow, my tears, my everything, but before you even knew it. I am sorry, that it didn’t work, because I know it was your wish. But it wasn’t mine, not any more.
So I hope you understand that this has been a process inside me and that noone on this earth could have made me change your feelings about you. I know what you think or are afraid of. I will surely go on living and as this is, as lovers, a closed matter to me, others may come. Perhaps soon, perhaps it will take me some years. But that has nothing to do with you. And I want you to know that, whenever you decide to contact me, I will be delighted. You will always stay in my heart as a dear friend and as my angel.
now, I won’t reread this anymore so I hope I didn’t write anything that makes it harder for you. Though I am quite sure you won’t visit this page in the near future… But who knows.
I’m not yet sure whether I should post this immediately or whether I should wait some weeks to pass on. Doesn’t matte though. I wish you only the best, you rock it, I’m sure of it!